Is this it?

I woke up this morning, stumbled out of bed and straight into the shower.  As I stood there under the hot water I started thinking to myself…”Is this it?” is this all that my life amounts to?  I could write my routine down in a mere minutes, its pretty much the same every day of the week, every week, every month, every year.  Even my cigarette breaks are scheduled in.  Our Harvey Norman catalogue house has been replaced by more retro furniture but it still remains Harvey Norman in nature.  We are still buying into the American dream, although somewhere along the line we stopped dreaming it and it became just part of the facade.  Part of the makeup we smear on our faces in the hope we mask the fact that we are dying of boredom, dying of underestimation, dying of being goal less, driveless, and driverless.  We are the monotone drones that sleepwalk to work in our black warbdrobe, smile politely and automatically reply “fine”.

I am not fine.

Humanity is not fine.

Today I woke up with the knowledge that my life is broken, and as soon as I had that realisation I also realised that I was too chicken shit to do anything about it.  Was I always this spineless?  Was I always this grey?

I don’t live in freedom, I don’t live in equality, I don’t live with freedom of speech (multibillionaires own the press), I don’t even live with the hope that our future will be brighter (crumbling ozone layer, deforestation, rising levels of pollution, crime, violence, child abuse, neglect).  I live in one of the most beautiful countries on this planet – New Zealand- and yet I fail to see the rolling green hills beyond my fake gold watch.  I have even travelled the globe, lived with the poor, feed the hungry and fostered children whose lives were beyond devastating; but all its left me with is this half baked feeling that somewhere along the line we went wrong.  The train left me at the station blown over 50 miles of highway.

So, where is this ramble leading? you ask….

Maybe I will have the hypothetic balls to start to change this that is so broken.  Starting with me.

I am writing this in the hope that someday, someone, somewhere will read this and will be also thinking to themselves “is this it?”

A life less magical is my journey one step at a time to make a difference in my life, and then hopefully in other peoples.  They say everything starts with a single step- mine starts with a single cigarette – oh and look at that- right on schedule too.

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